Infowars Sold: The Onion Takes Over

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Post on Nov 15, 2024

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Infowars Sold: The Onion Takes Over (A Satirical News Article)

Austin, TX – In a shocking turn of events that has left even the most seasoned conspiracy theorists speechless, Alex Jones’ Infowars has been acquired by the satirical news giant, The Onion. The deal, reportedly finalized over a game of intense, heavily-caffeinated chess, sees The Onion assuming control of all Infowars assets, including the website, its extensive library of "chemtrail" documentaries, and the surprisingly lucrative line of survivalist gear.

Sources close to the negotiations (who wish to remain anonymous, naturally, because they’re deeply involved in a complex web of international espionage) reveal that The Onion's CEO, a shadowy figure known only as "Chad," saw the acquisition as a "perfect synergy."

“We’ve always admired Infowars’ dedication to… creative storytelling,” Chad stated in a press release riddled with deliberately ambiguous language and strategically placed emojis. "Their commitment to pushing boundaries, to challenging conventional narratives… well, let’s just say we share a similar ethos. Although, perhaps with a slightly different emphasis on factual accuracy."

The transition is expected to be seamless, although some minor adjustments are anticipated. Infowars’ signature blend of feverish ranting and unsubstantiated claims will reportedly be subtly refined, with a focus on sharper wit, more polished satire, and slightly less talk about lizard people.

"We're not planning on completely changing the formula," Chad assured shareholders. "We’re simply enhancing it. Think… Infowars, but funnier. And possibly less liable to lawsuits."

Initial reactions from Infowars' loyal following have been… mixed. Some staunch supporters are celebrating the acquisition as a strategic move to infiltrate the mainstream media. Others, however, are voicing concerns that The Onion's notoriously sarcastic tone may inadvertently expose the inherent absurdity of Infowars’ content, causing a mass awakening of previously-unaware viewers.

Meanwhile, Alex Jones, reportedly relaxing on a secluded island populated entirely by talking parrots, has released a statement via carrier pigeon claiming the whole thing is a deep state hoax orchestrated by George Soros and the Illuminati, while also subtly hinting that the parrots are actually government drones.

The Onion has yet to comment on its future plans for Infowars, but industry analysts speculate that we can expect a new line of merchandise: "I Survived The Onion's Takeover of Infowars" t-shirts, and perhaps a limited-edition collection of "chemtrail-flavored" artisanal water. One thing’s for certain: the future of disinformation is about to get a whole lot funnier. Or is it? You decide. (Probably not.)